Memory and Isolation
May. 9th, 2021 03:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
biofreak659What an overdramatic title. Still.
I find myself in that self pitying mire of loneliness again. It ebs and flows, but it always hits hardest after I've been around people for an extended period. Ex: I'll visit my family and have someone who no only listen to me, but has things to say unprompted. Going from that back to an empty house hits hard.
How does one make friends in their twenties? I feel like the majority of my friends are people from work (an amount) or college (2).
Anyways, I got on this train because I happened to notice the dates on an unrelated youtube upload, and got to wondering what exactly I was doing in 2014... only to find that I don't really remember. I can recall a lot of specific experiences from high school, despite being nearly a decade graduated (2013), but college, a scant 4 years ago? Some broadstrokes stuff. That time my roommate and I took the shopping shuttle to target and missed the bus back, and waited in starbucks. Other things. But I don't have the same bulk of memories that I do from high school.
Maybe its that I didn't do much in college, beyond studying alone in my room. I went to the library maybe twice in four years. I'm tangentially aware that I was probably suffering from depression or (more) anxiety during this time, which I'm aware can cause memory problems, but likely, there just wasn't as much to remember.
Unfortunately, its sort of the existence I'm living now. When I'm not at work (weird schedule, I work 12 hours days for 4 days, then have 4 days off), I can go that entire stretch without speaking to another person. Unhealthy, I know. I've been taking steps to solve it, but its against my nature, and its hard.
Whatever. I'll make some changes when the world opens back up.
I find myself in that self pitying mire of loneliness again. It ebs and flows, but it always hits hardest after I've been around people for an extended period. Ex: I'll visit my family and have someone who no only listen to me, but has things to say unprompted. Going from that back to an empty house hits hard.
How does one make friends in their twenties? I feel like the majority of my friends are people from work (an amount) or college (2).
Anyways, I got on this train because I happened to notice the dates on an unrelated youtube upload, and got to wondering what exactly I was doing in 2014... only to find that I don't really remember. I can recall a lot of specific experiences from high school, despite being nearly a decade graduated (2013), but college, a scant 4 years ago? Some broadstrokes stuff. That time my roommate and I took the shopping shuttle to target and missed the bus back, and waited in starbucks. Other things. But I don't have the same bulk of memories that I do from high school.
Maybe its that I didn't do much in college, beyond studying alone in my room. I went to the library maybe twice in four years. I'm tangentially aware that I was probably suffering from depression or (more) anxiety during this time, which I'm aware can cause memory problems, but likely, there just wasn't as much to remember.
Unfortunately, its sort of the existence I'm living now. When I'm not at work (weird schedule, I work 12 hours days for 4 days, then have 4 days off), I can go that entire stretch without speaking to another person. Unhealthy, I know. I've been taking steps to solve it, but its against my nature, and its hard.
Whatever. I'll make some changes when the world opens back up.
