Memory and Isolation

[biofreak659]

What an overdramatic title. Still.

I find myself in that self pitying mire of loneliness again. It ebs and flows, but it always hits hardest after I've been around people for an extended period. Ex: I'll visit my family and have someone who no only listen to me, but has things to say unprompted. Going from that back to an empty house hits hard.

How does one make friends in their twenties? I feel like the majority of my friends are people from work (an amount) or college (2).

Anyways, I got on this train because I happened to notice the dates on an unrelated youtube upload, and got to wondering what exactly I was doing in 2014... only to find that I don't really remember. I can recall a lot of specific experiences from high school, despite being nearly a decade graduated (2013), but college, a scant 4 years ago? Some broadstrokes stuff. That time my roommate and I took the shopping shuttle to target and missed the bus back, and waited in starbucks. Other things. But I don't have the same bulk of memories that I do from high school.

Maybe its that I didn't do much in college, beyond studying alone in my room. I went to the library maybe twice in four years. I'm tangentially aware that I was probably suffering from depression or (more) anxiety during this time, which I'm aware can cause memory problems, but likely, there just wasn't as much to remember.

Unfortunately, its sort of the existence I'm living now. When I'm not at work (weird schedule, I work 12 hours days for 4 days, then have 4 days off), I can go that entire stretch without speaking to another person. Unhealthy, I know. I've been taking steps to solve it, but its against my nature, and its hard.

Whatever. I'll make some changes when the world opens back up.

Comments

[mizerable]

I don't think you're alone in this. My memories in undergrad are centered around my partner and the opportunities I had (going to research conferences) + me studying abroad in Japan twice. But I made no real friends during undergrad. I definitely didn't fit in much at my undergrad, and so I only keep in touch with professors and faculty that motivated me.

I don't keep in touch with anyone from high school either lol, but I think being forced to sit in the same space for 7-8 hours, 5 days a week makes things more memorable. You may also have more memories because, if you went to the same middle school as the people from high school, you've known them for longer (and are more likely to remember them).

I also feel like it's just ... the older you get, the more stressed you tend to be.

In any case, I don't want to ramble on your own post. But know you're not alone in this feeling -- I think it's much more common than people let on. Add on COVID, and you've got an entire world feeling incredibly lonely.

[biofreak659]

No worries. I'm a bit rambly too. I, unfortunately, know exactly what my problems is, and its that social interaction isn't habit for me. I find it difficult, so I tend not to engage. Then, three months down the line, and I haven't spoken to anyone outside of work in a week.

Its solvable, and its simple, but sometimes it doesn't feel easy. And yes, add that to Ms. Rona, and everyone else also isn't going outside or interacting, and it just compounds.